Impromptu Observations
It seems that I just can’t keep away from ambulances - even on my day off.
It was Saturday night, and my friend A and I were off to a party somewhere in the midsts of the West Sector, in one of those places that I’m not convinced really exists. I should have known it was a bad idea. It was a very decadent party, with a outdoor jacuzzi, a chocolate fountain and, er, a Eurovision sweepstake. About 2am, I suddenly started to feel rather tired and needed a lie down. This may well have had something to do with the four pints of beer, bottle of wine, glass of congealed toffee/chocolate/cherry cocktail and fifty-nine vodka jellies* I had consumed.
An hour or so later, I was awakened by M, the host of the party, bellowing “MARK, MARK! A HAS CUT HIS ARM! QUICK! QUICK!”
I muttered something about plasters and pulled the duvet over my head. M was opening and shutting her mouth and there was noise coming out, but it didn’t seem to make much sense, and I hoped she would go away as each word was like a ten tonne weight dropping on my head.
“Call an ambulance! I think it’s an arterial bleed!” shouted someone else, and this finally jolted me into awakeness. “Ambulance” is obviously the magic word you need to get my attention. I staggered into the living room, and there were several thousand people running around, some of them in bikinis, flapping their arms, and throwing tea towels around the room. In the middle of the chaos, lying in a pool of blood, was A.
I decided to pretend this was all one big St John Ambulance training exercise and did all the lying down, applying pressure, raising the affected limb (A’s arm) whilst M called the ambulance.
“My friend’s here! He works in Control! Speak to him!” said M. Now, did she need to say that? I took the phone and spoke to an unimpressed sounding colleague, who asked me some questions that I knew off by heart and told me to put my dogs away, etc, etc. It all still felt like a training exercise, except for the fact that everyone in the room was completely drunk and covered in blood.
“So what exactly happened?” I finally asked. It seemed A had been heading for the jacuzzi in the garden and feeling his way along a wall. The wall had actually been a garden shed. With a window in it. A had leaned on the window, it had given way, and cut his arm to shreds. Accident!
I looked at my watch and realised it was 3am on Saturday night, which has got to be the worst possible time to call an ambulance. From experience, I know amber calls (such as this) could often be held for up to an hour at busy times, so I steeled myself for a long wait. Fortunately, we’d managed to get the bleeding under control with an assortment of tea towels, but there was no way we’d be able to get A into a cab.
Then M’s phone went. It was Control, presumably the FRU desk. I thought they would be ringing to let us know about the delay, but no, they had someone on the way. They just wanted to check how the accident had happened, because “Fell into garden shed getting out of jacuzzi” could well be a cover up for “Violent nutter punched garden shed in rage. Likes murdering ambulance crews”. I assured them that A was not a violent nutter, just a clumsy, drunken fool and they seemed to believe me. A couple of minutes later, blue flashing lights appeared and in walked Mr FRU Guy. At this point, everyone started pretending to be sober, like a bunch of 16 year olds caught drinking by their parents. We were not convincing, especially as M started asking Mr FRU Guy if he knew Reynolds or Martin and Tim from Trauma and I told him I worked in Control and asked if he had had his meal break yet. He did a sterling job of humouring us whilst simultaneously bandaging A’s arm. Mr FRU Guy also suspected an arterial bleed and rang Control to see where the ambulance was. Five seconds later, one appeared! I was well impressed.
A and I were bundled into the back of the ambulance and taken to the local hospital. I was amazed to find the A+E was practically deserted and he was seen straight away! We thanked the ambulance crew and bade them farewell (I pointed out that cleaning A’s blood from the back of the vehicle would take them just past their meal break window - how convenient!) and then I got to watch what happened next, which obviously is something you don’t see if you’re out as an observer. First of all, they sent A off for an x-ray to make sure there was no glass in the wound, then a billion doctors and nurses gathered round and stitched up the wounds. By this point, they knew the bleed was not arterial as FRU Guy’s bandage had controlled the bleeding. A was given a bandage and a sling. Everyone was very efficient and we were out of hospital by 5am, two hours after the accident happened. So don’t believe what you are told about the state of the NHS, everything is fine so long as you live in the West Sector!
A and I then realised we were the wrong side of London at 5am and that in the panic I had left half my possessions, including my coat, at M’s house, so we were forced to call a cab. The cab driver didn’t speak English and drove about ten miles past our exit on the North Circular before I managed to communicate the message “Too far! Turn back!” to him. He then tried to charge us extra because he got lost!
All in all, as much as I love to get out there and ride on the ambulances, this was neither the time nor the place and I will be glad to be back where I belong, dispatching them, tonight. Many thanks to my colleagues in control, Mr FRU, The Ambulance Crew and all the staff at West Sector Hospital A+E for their brilliant work and putting up with us!
Nee Naw does not encourage binge drinking. Always enjoy vodka jellies in moderation.
on May 14th, 2007 at 1:42 pm
So who did you have in the sweepstake? Did you win?
I presume A’s arm will be ok. It must have been odd to be on the other side of the phone, for a change.
on May 14th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
I got Finland. I have no idea who won, actually, but it wasn’t me. A’s arm will be fine — but he’s managed to wangle a few days off work and keeps getting me to run his errands!
on May 14th, 2007 at 2:28 pm
Hi there — I got pointed over here by M’s blog about the entire situation. As a member of the blithering idiots^W^Wpublic (but a trained First Repsonder — about two steps short of a full blown Paramedic) I’d say you did pretty admirably well among the chaos. After surviving that, you deserve a Vodka jelly. *snerk*
on May 14th, 2007 at 3:45 pm
Nothing like a bit of trauma to sober you up; must have been a hell of a hang over though
on May 14th, 2007 at 5:06 pm
As a member of the blithering idiots^W^Wpublic (but a trained First Repsonder — about two steps short of a full blown Paramedic)
Bluknight.. Do you mean ‘First Responder’ as in member of public trained to assist at certain Cat A calls? (i.e Chest pains, difficulty in breathing, cardiac arrest etc) as in Neighbourhood First Responders or Community Responders?
If so I think the difference between us and a ‘full blown paramedic’ is more like two furlongs than two steps, respect the difference and the crews will respect you!
If I have misunderstood and you meant an Ambulance Service First Responder, that’s different and I apologise now!
on May 14th, 2007 at 6:07 pm
Isn’t it great that if your employer contains the letters “N” “H” and “S” you always end up in bed before everyone else, and then get woken up to cure some huge incident that you missed, but everyone else can have a good laugh at later….
That and they are all still drunk, but you have sobered up in a second…….
Hope the rest of your night was good fun though!!
on May 14th, 2007 at 9:45 pm
Jesus! That sounds a lot more dramatic then I first imagined. I hope A is recovering well.
on May 14th, 2007 at 11:32 pm
u seem to have fun when you party, next time get a 6 pack and settle down at home.
on May 15th, 2007 at 12:30 am
*big hug for A*
on May 15th, 2007 at 2:38 am
A little bit of excitement I dare say you didn’t need!
What does “told me to put my dogs away” mean?
on May 15th, 2007 at 8:46 am
During a 999 call Control will tell you ‘to put away the dogs’ so they don’t bite the crew, that are going to stride into your house, wielding large threatening bags! Even the most docile family dog will pick up on the anxiety and distress of its masters, and may react in away that it would never normally
on May 15th, 2007 at 12:04 pm
Now your the drunk on the other end of the phone hehehe!! Fortunately, it sounds as though you weren’t obnoxious and horrible!
Hope your friends okay….and maybe keep away from vodka jellies
x
on May 15th, 2007 at 5:48 pm
Welcome back from your break, I can see you love your job so much you couldn’t stay away even when on Holiday. Glad to hear A didn’t suffer any major damage.
The Driving Instructor
on May 15th, 2007 at 8:25 pm
Sounds nasty. I’m one of those coppers who can’t stand the sight of blood. You guys are, therefore, my favourite people in the world particularly when I’m dealing with somebody who’s drunk and insisting on bleeding all over me.
And as for response times, if the LAS is anything like the local Ambulance trust where I live then you’re massively underfunded and your bosses spend all day thinking up new and interesting ways to demoralise the workforce. I’m surprised sometimes that there’s any ambulances left at all at weekends.
on May 16th, 2007 at 4:40 pm
Betterlate:
Effectively, an ambulance-service level first responder. A First Responder here (note, I am in the States^WRebellious Colonies) gets a higher level of training, including injury assesment, advanced stabilization, etc. The courses and intensity is not quite the level of EMT-Basic or Paramedic training, but covers much more than your standard Red Cross first aid/CPR courses.
on May 16th, 2007 at 7:11 pm
Sorry … Did you say bikinis?
Cheers
Blippie
on May 16th, 2007 at 9:30 pm
I quite liked the Finnish Eurovision entry. A sulky goth girl singing “Leave Me Alone”, which has a certain perverted charm. I got Bulgaria in my university department sweepstake. Their entry consisted of a man and woman playing drums. That’s all I remember about it though - by then they were all merging into each other…
Neither of us won though.
On less important issues, well done on the old control-of-bleeding bit. You got all the key bits in:
- grab the bleeding part
- raise the bleeding part
- lie the bleeding casualty down
;-)
on May 16th, 2007 at 11:04 pm
did you look for your PRF Pad, as u were treating. or havent you been in sja that long. It just go to show that first aid skills are useful anywhere.
on May 17th, 2007 at 3:54 am
Thanks for that explanation Uphilldowndale. I never imagined that it could actually mean exactly what it says! I thought it must be ambulance slang for something!
on May 17th, 2007 at 9:07 pm
When you tell the caller to put away any family pets, they inevitably interrupt you to tell you they haven’t got any. Doh! You don’t need to put them away then do you?! (sadly i’m not usually allowed to use this retort - I just have to say ‘that’s fine’ for fear of being dragged upstairs for a lecture on attitude to callers…)
on May 18th, 2007 at 12:08 pm
You weren’t tempted to shout “Just send a bleedin’ ambulance. Nahr!!”?
on May 24th, 2007 at 4:54 pm
ha ha im dying to say one day, “put away any family pets, dogs cats, lions or large reptiles” and see what comes back.