We had a call last week which read as follows:

“78 year old male. Scrotum has swollen to three times size of a football.”

“Three times the size of a football?” I said incredulously, almost forgetting to send the ambulance out in my horror. “A football is this big… so three footballs… that’s impossible! It would almost reach the floor!”

“Maybe it’s a misprint?” suggested colleague G. “Perhaps he meant ‘scrotum has swollen to three times normal size, is now size of football’”

“More feasible,” I said. “But still rating quite highly in the Enormous Scrotum stakes.”

“What are you lot squealing about?” said Male Management, peering over my shoulder. “OH MY GOD OUCH! Have you told HEMS? Oh my god! Ouch!”

I meant to ask the crew exactly how large the offending scrotum was and the cause of the ailment once they were free, but I got distracted by lots of people getting sick and injured and never got round to it. So it shall remain a mystery.

Published Aug 26, 2009 - 36 Comments and counting

36 Comments on “Watermelons”
  1. Yoni Says:

    I've seen basketball-size. It's possible.

  2. Daniel Says:

    Not Pretty!!! is it possible that it was a tumour causing it????

  3. WannaBeEMD Says:

    OUCH! I'm female and it still makes me squirm!!! Off topic for a minute – I have an interview for trainee emd on 9th September, am already extremely nervous as I don't think I have ever wanted a job so much as this one! Can either suzie or any other EMD's shed some light on the assessment day? The email says that I need to be there at 9.30 and should make sure a whole day is free. Also says that there will be a competancy based interview, as well as dictation, numeracy literacy tests, group exercises and a personality assessment. I'd like to be as up to speed as possible, so the more info from people who have done this already the better, as far as i'm concerned!

    Also, just curious here, how do your shift patterns work as an emd? what's the average pattern, say over 5 weeks including rest days etc.

    Thanks in advance for anyone who bothers to read my babble and reply! xx

  4. Fee Says:

    My hubby managed one the size of a grapefruit after the vasectomy. Ouchy. I couldn't stop giggling, I'm afraid. One normal testicle, hiding behind a grapefruit-sized one, looks .. well … bloody hilarious, actually. Poor guy. I did feel sorry for him, in between cackling loudly.

  5. AmbEMD Says:

    Hi WannaBeEMD – Depends which service you applying for really… But Dont worry about it, just be yourself, get involved.. but dont be too vocal in group activities, if that makes sense. competancy based interviews will be like… give us an example of a situation of when/how you dealt with this. all will be based around the application forms you provided them with, but feel free to use other examples.
    Numeracy, like a little maths test really, I hated how some of them were worded, but just do your best at them.
    Literacy for my assessment, but they may have changed it now, was a dictation exercise, basically, an update from scene, so needed to get all the info down in notes then we had a few mins to type it up – kinda how its done in real life really :)

    Cant tell you how the shifts work, as I dont know where you applying for… plus wouldnt like to put you off too much. hehe

    Good Luck

  6. WannaBeEMD Says:

    Thanks AmbEMD! If anyone else would be so kind as to tell their experiences of the interview and assessment day that would be great! I have been shortlisted by SECAMB (south east coast ambulance service) based in Banstead, Surrey. Nothing will put me off, not even the shifts, would just like some examples so I know what I'm getting myself into, so any info on how people's shifts work as EMD's would be great! :)

  7. SJA-ETA Says:

    I tired once to get onto the EMD training but, my dictation was quite bad, it was a little bit too hard for me to catch but, I will try again soon and hopefully will pass it and join the wonderful group of London Ambulance EMD's!

  8. WannaBeEMD Says:

    Hi SJA – in what way wa the dictation too hard? Just trying to glean as much info as poss, so I am as prepared as the scouts! I WILL be an EMD before the year is out, I will!! :)

  9. Steve Says:

    Three times the diameter sounds implausible. Three times the volume just sounds extremely painful! (I managed approximately three times the volume of an orange with epididimitis when I was 18; worst pain in my life!)

  10. Suzi Brent Says:

    WannabeEMD: have a look at this post – http://www.neenaw.co.uk/index.php/ambulances/132/

    I don't know about SECamb but we work 12 hour shifts. We do 3 or 4 shifts a week (Monday to Thu or Fri to Sun). All the shifts are 7 – 7 (am or pm) and we have to do weekends, nights, bank holidays, Christmas, etc etc.

  11. WannaBeEMD Says:

    Thanks Suzi, so essentially you work either 3 on 4 off, or 4 on 3 off each week.. I'm sure it's knackering, but actually not as bad as I was expecting. Hopefully SECamb will be the same. I'm nervous :S

  12. Flora Gardens Says:

    I'm sorry……. I've tried not to, tried very, very hard indeed, but I can't resist it.
    I have to ask the question.
    How long were you holding a swollen scrotum for??

  13. Suzi Brent Says:

    Ha! Not as long as I was holding a green itchy vagina the other week…

  14. Twitter Trackbacks for Nee Naw - Watermelons [neenaw.co.uk] on Topsy.com Says:

    [...] Nee Naw - Watermelons http://www.neenaw.co.uk/index.php/ambulances/423/watermelons – view page – cached “78 year old male. Scrotum has swollen to three times size of a football.” — From the page [...]

  15. SJA-ETA Says:

    its just that I found writing at pace very hard, you will have to do this if the computers go down!

  16. SJA-ETA Says:

    SICK!!!! oh Suzi…. what are you like???????

  17. Matt Dinnery Says:

    Was that a green CALL to an itchy vagina, or an actual green itchy vagina?

  18. Suzi Brent Says:

    A green call, fortunately ;-)

  19. Tom Says:

    Ouch!!

    Told my wife who was amazed. She has decided to survey her colleagues at her surgery, in the hope of settling this quandry.

    In the interim, I have been a regular visitor to the toilet doing 'manly' exams of my gentemen giblets.

    Too much detail I think, but I suspect male health issues have been greatly advanced by your post.

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  21. Anon Says:

    Something like this…

    http://i158.photobucket.com/albums/t115/aeuphoria

  22. Elliott Says:

    @ anon – that looks like it would really sting!

  23. rrr Says:

    If it was east central i know the crew who did the job, said while he was sitting on the seat his scrotum was about 3 inches off the floor

  24. anon Says:

    Yeah i was at the hospital when this guy arrived and ill tell u this for nothing….three times isn't far off – there was practically no way of disguising the poor guys predicament to preserve his dignity – THE BLANKETS JUST AREN'T THAT BIG!

  25. WannaBeEMD Says:

    One more question regarding the interview day, how many people were there taking the tests etc at the same time as you? Any answers greatly appreciated! :)

  26. Suzi Brent Says:

    I think there was about ten of us. Good luck!

  27. Suzi Brent Says:

    Yeah it was – thanks for the info but god OUCH.

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  30. AmbEMD Says:

    About 8 others did it. If your driving to banstead leave nice and early, to get a parking space, its mad up there sometimes! :) Especially around school times.

    Good Luck

  31. XaDvAnT Says:

    There are some fetishists who inject their scrotums with saline for the "big and heavy" effect. Could be one of those gone wrong!
    (Look for a TV show called 101 Embarrassing Sexual Accidents)

  32. SJA_ETA Says:

    I think they would need a lot of saline for that though!!!! possibly 3 500ml bags worth!!!!!

  33. WannaBeEMD Says:

    Hey to anyone who messaged me with advice. I wanted to update you and let you know that I passed the interview and assessments and have a job offer in the post on it's way to me! Yay! Very excited :)

  34. para whatever Says:

    i like to use that example when i get the stop-asking-me-dumb-questions-about-my-job nonquestion thats really a question: "i bet you see some sights"
    i tell 'em about encountering a medicine-ball sized scrotum on my second ever shift, then the conversation starts to falter nicely…

  35. Danielle Says:

    Happens quite often in RTAs apparently – if a male pedestrian is dragged along by a vehicle then his delicate bits take a bashing, and are known to swell dramatically!

  36. Spotthegerbil Says:

    Common enough injury in a motorbike accident. Motorbike hits something unyielding,* motorbike stops, combined weight of pillion and driver is forced into fuel tank via male bits before launching 15-20 metres down the road. You don't notice your broken clavicle when your scrotum has been so badly battered. Small melon sized with abrasions and black all over.

    To make matters more fun, before surgery for the clavicle they had the TV on as moving wallpaper. I hadn't seen the road safety advert of car V bike before that day. I swore very loudly.

    *Because you didn't once look in my direction, you half witted Corsa Driver and you failed to observe almost the biggest bike on the road. Glad my male bits wrote off your car.

    Nee Naw
    Nee Naw was a blog about life in the London Ambulance Service control room. It was written by Suzi Brent from 2005 to 2010. The blog is no longer being updated, but the archives will remain here.
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